


Just When I Needed You Most

by IvanW



Series: Song Inspired Fics [11]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Courtroom Drama, First Time, Love, M/M, Mystery, Original Character(s), Rescue, Romance, Sexual Content, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23220544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Loosely based on the song by Randy Vanwarmer, Just When I Needed You Most
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Song Inspired Fics [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487456
Comments: 97
Kudos: 154





	1. Chapter 1

It was strange, really. Jim had expected to talk to Spock before the ship docked in San Francisco. Their future, the Enterprise and her crew that was, was uncertain. His future with Spock, well, he expected non-existent. Not that he’d ever really thought there was a future.

There were rumors, unconfirmed, that Spock intended to settle on New Vulcan, now that his relationship had ended with Uhura, for good. And though he and Spock had done a bit of playful flirting back and forth in the last days of their mission, it had never gotten very far at all.

And based on the fact that Spock had left the Enterprise as soon as she docked, and before speaking to Jim, well, Jim guessed Spock was, indeed, making posthaste to New Vulcan. Which meant that Spock really was quitting Starfleet. Also a rumor that Jim had heard. He’d been too…afraid didn’t seem the right word, but he’d go with it…afraid to question Spock about his intentions.

Perhaps he ought to have.

As he departed the ship himself, maybe for the last time, though he hoped not, Jim was met by a rather anxious looking ensign.

“Captain? Captain Kirk?”

“Yes, Ensign?”

“Glad I caught you, sir. They want to speak to you at headquarters, Captain. Admiral Lovett’s office at 1400 hours, sir.”

Jim nodded. “I’ll be there.”

Bones stepped up next to him, watching the ensign dash off. “What’s that all about?”

“No idea. Probably in trouble for something.” He shook his head. “Hey, Bones?”

“Yeah?”

“Did…Spock say anything to you before he left?”

“Nope. I assumed he spoke to you.” His friend frowned. “No?”

“Not a word.”

“Hmm. Well, the truth is, he’d gotten a little weirder these past few months than even before. I’d not take it personal, Jim.”

Jim smiled. “Right. Dinner tonight? You’re shoving off for Georgia in the morning, right?”

“I don’t have to—”

“Bones. It’s good. Go see your family. I can promise you there’s nothing to worry about.”

“If they don’t give you back the Enterprise, are you sure you’ll be all right?”

“Positive. Dinner?”

Bones smiled. “Yeah. Text me when you’re ready.”

Jim excused himself from Bones and made his way to HQ. His thoughts were still on Spock, but he wasn’t sure there was anything he could do about the Vulcan.

“He’s waiting for you, sir.”

Jim nodded at Admiral Lovett’s assistant and walked over to the office door, tapping lightly on the door.

“Enter.”

Lovett stood up from behind the desk and came around to shake Jim’s hand. “Good to see you, Jim. Have a seat.”

Frank Lovett had known Jim’s dad, or so he had told him way back when they were first introduced. He’d been a friend to George Kirk and, therefore, had always been nothing but kind to Jim. He seemed much older than the last time Jim had seen him, his dark face lined with wrinkles in places Jim hadn’t noticed before. He wondered how long it had been.

“Haven’t seen you since your academy days, Jim,” Lovett said, as though reading Jim’s mind. 

“Wow. That long?” Jim shook his head. He knew Lovett had recently been designated one of the ”senior” admirals.

Lovett smiled. He hadn’t returned to his seat, instead sitting on the edge of his desk, facing Jim. “Time flies. How was your return? Everything okay?”

“Yes, sir.” Jim paused. Only half joked, “Have I done something?”

The admiral laughed. “I’m sure you’ve done a lot of something, son. But if you are asking if you’re in trouble, no. Quite the opposite.”

“Uhm.” Jim nodded.

“I am sure your first question is about the Enterprise.”

“Well.”

“We want you all to have a leave, of course. Psychologically…”

“Yes, sir. I was told.”

“Good. The Enterprise will go out again, Jim. With you as her commanding officer.”

Jim blew out a breath, nodded. Moistened his lips.

“As for your crew? Some will likely be reassigned based on needs, but I suspect most can continue with the Enterprise should you and, them of course, desire.”

Jim didn’t know what to say to that. He wanted to ask about Spock but…

“Commander Spock has resigned.”

Once again Lovett knew his thoughts. Jim’s stomach dropped then twisted, even though it was just as he had expected.

“I hear he plans to go to New Vulcan.”

“I suspected so, sir, yes.”

“So you’ll have to choose a new first officer, Commodore.”

Jim stared. “What?”

Lovett grinned. “You heard me. Congratulations. The promotion is well-deserved.”

“Yeah, so.” Jim took a sip of his wine as he sat across from Bones. “Commodore Kirk. Crazy.”

“Not so crazy. Didn’t you apply for Vice Admiral?”

Jim snorted. “I thought better of it. Anyway, at least I get to retain command of the Enterprise when she goes out again.”

“But without Spock.”

“Yeah.” Jim cut into his steak. “Yeah.”

“Sorry, Jim. I can’t believe he left without saying a word to you.”

“I guess…maybe he found it hard to say goodbye. Didn’t want to face an emotional outburst.”

Bones looked at him. “Spock?”

Jim laughed. “ _From me_. Not him.”

Bones leaned back in his chair, putting his fork down. “Think he said goodbye to Uhura? Even though they aren’t together.”

“I’m sure he did. It’s just…never mind.”

“What?”

“Those last few days, weeks, really, I’d thought…we were getting closer.”

“Closer friends?”

“Closer closer. Um, you know.”

Bones grimaced. “Oh.”

“What’s that face for?” Jim asked, defensively.

“Nothing bad. I mean against you. Or him. Getting closer, as you say. Just, if you were, and he acted like this, well, he’s a bigger ass than I thought. That’s all.”

Jim relaxed. Hadn’t realized how much he’d tensed up at Bones’ words. “Maye it was my imagination. Doesn’t matter I guess.”

“It matters,” Bones said, softly.

“Yeah.” He picked up his glass. “To the end of the mission. The first one, anyway.”

Bones clinked his glass. “And to your promotion. _Commodore_.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks, Bones.”

Jim made sure Bones, a little bit intoxicated, got into a hover car that would take him where he needed to go, and then he turned to walk to his apartment.

When he reached his apartment door, he was surprised to see he had a visitor. At the moment, his back was to Jim, but Spock knew him. Of course.

“Spock?”

Spock turned to face him. He looked somber. His gaze searched Jim’s.

Jim took the few steps to the door. “Did you want to come in?”

“Yes. Captain.” He hesitated. “Commodore.”

“You heard?”

Spock nodded sharply.

Jim opened the door and stepped inside, followed quickly by Spock. He turned to face Spock and found himself suddenly against the wall with Spock’s tongue shoved into his mouth.


	2. Chapter 2

For a moment all thoughts fractured and swirled around his fogged brain as he tried to take in that Spock was kissing him, drinking from his lips like he died of thirst, and pushing him against the wall with startling Vulcan strength.

Somehow, he was maneuvered toward his bedroom.

Somehow? Spock was a lot stronger than he was and he practically picked Jim up like a rag doll.

As he was tossed onto the bed, Jim wondered if maybe they should be talking about this. About them.

But then Spock was on him, kissing him, hands roaming over him, pushing his shirt up, fingers digging into the bare skin of his abdomen and Jim figured talking could come later.

He lifted up to allow Spock to yank his shirt up and over his head, tossing it somewhere Jim didn’t care. He watched through hooded eyes as Spock rose to rid himself of his own sweater before his lips, hot and nearly punishing, returned to Jim’s, his tongue probing Jim’s mouth.

When Jim thought he couldn’t breathe anymore, Spock broke their kisses to remove the rest of their clothing, leaving them writing together, bare skin on bare skin, warm naked skin, slick sweat from Jim. He was now so hard he could barely contain it.

Without instructions from Jim, Spock somehow found the bottle of lube Jim had in the drawer beside his bed. His pulse racing, eyes wide, Jim clung to Spock’s shoulders as Spock’s long fingers entered him, easing the way for what was to come. 

His brain was fracturing, unable to quite comprehend that this was happening. That Spock rose above him, fingers inside him, about to…

“Spock…” he moaned.

Dark eye bore into his and there was something there that made Jim’s heart squeeze, something he read there that…

Spock withdrew his fingers and for a moment Jim couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think for the loss of contact, the despair that flowed through him, thoughts flying that Spock would leave, get up and go, leaving him like this, alone, and wanting.

But it was fleeting. Spock pushed Jim’s legs up, shoving himself into Jim, the full girth of his large hard cock pushing into Jim making his breath hitch.

Spock hesitated then, his dark eyes searching Jim’s.

“Please,” Jim pleaded.

Spock moved within him, deep, hard, fast then slow. One hand went to Jim’s face, in a meld, Jim guessed, as he felt everything Spock did to him from himself and from Spock too, and it was the most amazing thing.

And as Spock found his release just after Jim found his, he groaned out, “T’hy’la.”

****

Jim fell into an exhausted, restless sleep and later when he woke, he spotted Spock in another part of the bedroom meditating. He opened his mouth to say they should talk, but he ended up falling back asleep before he could. He woke again when Spock was there beside him.

When he woke in the morning, he could tell by the light streaming in from the open blinds it was still early. He rose and went to the bathroom and then when he came out, he noticed a light rain fell, not doing much to help his gloomy mood.

He should be…happy. Right? He and Spock had been dancing around this for years. And the sex had been great. So then why did he feel so…disheartened?

He pulled on a pair of loose fitting sweats and a T-shirt and left the bedroom in search of Spock.

The Vulcan stood by the sliding glass door of Jim’s apartment staring out at the rain. He wore the clothes he’d been in when he’d shown up at Jim’s door, of course.

Jim hugged himself. “So.”

Spock turned to face him. “Captain…Commodore,” he quickly corrected again.

“It takes some getting used to for me too.” Jim blew out a breath. “But, um, I don’t know, seems like maybe Jim will do.”

But Spock said nothing else. Just stared at Jim and he couldn’t shake the feeling he was being memorized.

“Lovett said you resigned.”

“Yes.”

Jim made himself nod. “And now?”

“Nothing has changed.”

“So what was this exactly? Goodbye?”

“If you wish.”

Jim laughed then, dropping his arms from his self-hug. He began to pace. “If I wish? Hardly. But you’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “Besides, helping with the repopulation of Vulcans, I intend to seek the Vulcan discipline of Kolinahr.”

“Fuck.”

“It is…”

“I _know_ what it is, Spock. Just…what the hell? You quit without talking to me. You come here and pretty much attack me and—”

“I apologize if…”

“Don’t. I wanted it, you have to know that. We’ve been wanting to do that for a while. We _both_ have,” he said, pointedly.

Spock hesitated a moment and then nodded.

“You don’t love me, is that it?” Jim demanded.

“Vulcans do not…”

“Oh, hell.” Jim stopped his pacing. Closed his fists, digging his nails into his palm. “When are you leaving?”

“My father’s shuttle leaves in less than an hour.”

“Your father.” He grimaced, shook his head.

“Jim.” Spock took a step.

Jim turned away.

Spock exhaled slowly then strode past him over to the door. He opened the door and then stopped just inside it.

Jim still didn’t look at him. He couldn’t. So he looked out at the rain, instead. After a moment, Spock walked out, leaving the door open. 

“Bye, Spock.”


	3. Chapter 3

_Three years Later_

“Commodore James Tiberius Kirk, do you wish to change your plea?”

Jim’s jaw tightened as a muscle ticked there. “No, Admiral.”

“Admiral Komack, my client still maintains he is innocent of these crimes,” Lieutenant Morrison spoke up from her seat next to him.

Komack gazed at them from his seat. They were all lined up in a row, the admirals who acted as judges at his court martial and murder trial.

“Given the evidence and testimony of several witnesses and Commodore Kirk’s inability to prove his whereabouts at the time of this heinous crime, we are left with no choice but to find James Tiberius Kirk…”

The doors of the room were flung open.

“Admirals, please.”

Jim turned around to watch in shock as the tall familiar Vulcan dressed in black pants and a black tunic strode down the aisle toward the podium that stood next to where Jim and Morrison sat. Jim’s heart squeezed tight in his chest. Jim hadn’t seen him since…

“Ambassador Spock,” Komack spoke. “What gives you the authority to interrupt these proceedings?”

“I am co-counsel for defense of Commodore Kirk.” Spock paused. He had not looked at Jim. “Gentlemen, you have been sent via your PADDs evidence proving Commodore Kirk’s whereabouts at the time of the murder of Marlena Moreau. You have also been sent retraction of false testimony as well evidence that the testimony was coerced and manipulated.”

Jim’s heart was thundering in his chest.

“Go ahead,” Spock said. “Review the evidence. We will wait.”

Admiral Lovett cleared his throat. “In light of this new evidence presented in defense of Commodore Kirk, I request a short recess to review.”

Komack nodded. “We will reconvene in an hour.”

When Jim had went to leave the courtroom, Spock had already exited. Bones waited for him in the hall.

“Jim, what does this all mean?”

“Hell, if I know. Did you see what happened to Spock?”

Bones shrugged. “Went through a side door. I didn’t get a chance to speak with him. What the hell, Jim? After three years he just—”

“I don’t know.”

He had little chance to say more as the media descended on him. He kept looking for Spock, but the Vulcan didn’t reappear until the recess was over and they were back in front of the panel of admirals.

“Do you know what’s going to happen?” Jim asked his counsel.

“No, Commodore,” Morrison admitted. She put her hand on his sleeve and squeezed. “Let’s hope it’s good news.”

Spock had returned to the podium, this time very briefly glancing at Jim, who stared right back at him, before facing forward.

Jim was aware of Bones sitting behind him in the courtroom as well as several of his crew.

Komack called the room to order. “We have reviewed the evidence of presented by Ambassador Spock, which has been corroborated, all charges related to the crime of murder against Commodore Kirk have been dropped, and for the sake of the Court Martial, he has been acquitted.”

Jim closed his eyes.

“This case is over and dismissed.”

Lieutenant Morrison hugged him just as Bones, Uhura, Sulu, Jaylah and Scotty all rushed at him.

“Oh, I knew you’d get off.”

“Thank God!”

“Congratulations, Commodore.”

It was all a little overwhelming really.

And then Lovett was pulling Jim aside as the courtroom was cleared.

“Congratulations, Jim. I’m very glad this whole ordeal can be put behind you.”

Jim nodded. “Not entirely. But thank you, sir.”

“What are you going to do next?”

“I resign.”

“Jim—”

“Admiral, under the circumstances…”

“A decision made right now isn’t wise, Jim. Give it some time.”

“Okay. I resign.”

“Jim.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’ll think about it. But with Garrett—”

“I know. But arrangements can be made. Considerations. And your mother—”

“I don’t want to burden her.”

“Let’s talk about this is a few days at HQ, Jim. Your crew, your friends are waiting.”

Jim pursed his lips. “Yeah.”

“It was surprising to see Mr. Spock.” Lovett said.

“Yeah. He showed up just when I needed him most.” Jim glanced around. “Seems to have left though.”

Lovett smiled and patted Jim’s arm. “See you soon, son. And congratulations. I never believed any of the charges against you.”

“Yes, sir. I know. Thank you.”

When Lovett moved away, Bones approached and hugged him again.

Jim was surprised to see tears in his friend’s eyes. “I was afraid they were going to…

Jim pulled back and smiled gently. “Me too.”

“Everyone wants to go to dinner. To celebrate.”

“Okay, sure. Sounds great. Where should I meet you?”

“Meet? Jim…”

“I need to go home, get changed, so a few things, I’d like to bring Garrett.” Jim smiled again. “I’m sure he’d like to see everyone.”

“Yeah and we’d like to see him, too. Okay. Meet us in a couple of hours at Hanson’s Steakhouse.”

“We’ll be there.”

****

Part of him wasn’t surprised to see Spock standing at his apartment door once more like he had been three years earlier. But yeah, hell. He was surprised.

“Spock,” he said softly.

“Jim.”

Jim searched his face for signs there’d be something different about him now that he’d surely gone through Kolinahr. But he looked the same to Jim. Still beautiful, still unobtainable.

“You, uh, want to come in, I guess?”

Spock hesitated. “If…convenient.”

Jim laughed. “Hardly,” he said in an echo of the earlier time, the last time they’d been here together. “Thanks for today, by the way. I would have thanked you earlier, but you ran away.” He paused as he opened the door of his apartment. “Again.”

Spock followed him inside. “I won’t run away this time.”

Jim smiled a little. “Yeah. Well, we’ll see.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song fic concluded. Thanks for reading.

“I wrote you messages,” Jim said over his shoulder.

“I did not receive them.”

“Right. I never sent them. I kept, uh, I kept waiting for you to send something to me, and when you didn’t…” Jim shrugged. “I stopped writing you. I’m going to go get out of this dress uniform, so have a seat and wait.” He stopped at the doorway to his bedroom. “And don’t touch anything.”

Of course he said that because knew Spock would be affronted.

Jim shook his head and went in, removed his dress uniform, and hung it up in the closet. It might be the very last time he’d wear it. He pulled on jeans and an oatmeal colored pullover sweater as it was currently cool in San Francisco. He took out his communicator and smiled at the message he received.

_We’re coming._

Jim returned to the living room of his apartment. Spock sat on the edge of his couch, looking fidgety.

“How’d you know about all this? I expected you to be in some sort of Kolinahr-directed isolation.”

“Nyota notified me.”

Jim rolled his eyes and sat across from him in an easy chair. “Figures. But at least…you did get the information needed to clear me.”

“I have been working on it for some time. Lieutenant Morrison is a fine officer, but she lacked the experience for a case of this magnitude.”

“Yeah. She did pretty well, though, considering what they gave us to work with.”

“How did…Marlena Moreau?”

“Well. And there’s that too. This…was all a set up or something against me. And I don’t know who, but clearly, I have enemies out there. I’m just sorry they used Marlena to get to me. Whatever happens next, I have to find out who’s behind what happened to her.”

“Your…”

“What are you trying to ask me, Spock?”

“The nature of your association with Lieutenant Moreau.”

“Hmm.” Jim leaned back. “We were friends. Close friends. We had…a good time together.”

“Were you intimate?”

He laughed. “Nosey much? Yeah, we were. For a time. I wanted to be with you, but you didn’t want that. She was really nice and sweet and like I said, we had a good time together. It was never going to be a forever thing. For either of us. And I’m fucking pissed that this happened to her and I _will_ find out what happened.”

“It could be dangerous.”

“Uh-huh. What do you…I mean, I’m thankful for your help. Obviously I couldn’t have done it without you. But…I haven’t seen you in three years. Did you…the Kolinahr…”

Spock shook his head. “I…I did not go through with it. It would have…failed. I was…this is difficult.”

Jim nodded. “I can see that it is. But you have limited time. I’m meeting my crew for dinner and the caregiver is bringing my son, Garrett, home.”

He could see the shock sweep across Spock’s face before he could hide.

“Son?”

“With Marlena,” Jim replied. “Before she was killed, she was raising him mostly. I had to get him a caregiver while this was all going on. Fortunately, I have friends in high places who kept him from being taken away from me entirely.”

“Admiral Lovett.”

“Yes. And my mother helped. But she’s already caring for Sam’s son, Peter, after his parents were killed on Deneva. As for Starfleet…I don’t know what’s next. But, explain, Spock. As I said, your time is limited.”

Spock looked down at his clenched hands instead of at Jim. “I owe you the greatest of apologies.”

Jim said nothing to that, he just waited for Spock to continue.

“I did…I do love you. I have for a long time.”

“Do you love me or your hands?”

Spock glanced up, startled. His cheeks were dusted green.

He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I know this is tough for you. It cost you a lot to just admit that, didn’t it?”

“Not as much as my actions have. I have spent far too many years trying to be something that I cannot be.”

“What’s that?” Jim asked gently.

“Fully Vulcan. I am a child of both worlds and welcome in neither. Not fully.”

“You’ve always been welcome in _my_ world, Spock.”

“Yes. And that is my failing. I should have…embraced that. Embraced you. But to be with you, it was as though I would give up my Vulcan side. In my desire to be accepted by my father and other Vulcans, I pushed all that was Human away. Not just that side of me, but you. My friends, Nyota. All parts of me I did not want to have. My mother…when I was young and intending to go to the Vulcan Science Academy, I wished to go through Kolinahr as a means of ridding myself of emotions and the side of me I saw as weak. She accepted this though I have no doubt it hurt her. When others in the Vulcan Council implied that side was inferior, I was insulted. I reacted in just the way my father had feared I would. Emotionally. I joined Starfleet instead. And despite all of that I have still tried to be accepted by other Vulcans. It was this…need…that motivated my intentions to seek it after the end of our first mission, but…”

“Then you came here.”

“To say goodbye. I was ashamed that I did not speak to you before resigning and I thought to explain my actions, as best I could, because I knew you believed…” He stopped and looked back at his hands. “That there was a developing romantic relationship between us.”

“Yes,” he said softly. “I had thought that…once. But when everyone told me you were leaving except for you, I knew I’d gotten it all wrong.”

“It was I who got it wrong, Jim. I should have been brave and told you of my doubts.”

“Doubts.”

“I also feared that I could never be enough for someone as vibrant and effervescent as you. You can and have had anyone you want—”

“I wanted you.”

“Why would you want a repressed skinny Vulcan who cannot truly embrace either side of himself?”

Jim blew out a breath. “I loved you. You’re…not perfect. God knows I want to pull those bangs…” He laughed. “And I sure as hell am not perfect either. But you’re perfect for me. Or I thought we were for each other. I love you still. I’ve tried to find comfort elsewhere and I just…”

“T’hy’la.”

There was a knock on his door then. Jim rose and went to the door.

Immediately his legs were hugged by a pudgy two year old boy.

“Daddy!”

“There’s my big boy.” Jim bent down and snatched him up. The dark hair toddler’s arms encircled Jim’s neck. “Thank you, Lourdes. Was he any trouble?”

“None at all, Commodore.” She smiled fondly. “Except every other minute of every day asking where Daddy was.” She reached over and stroked the boy’s head. She mouthed the words, “And Mommy.”

Jim nodded. He knew it was going to take time.

“Do you need me tonight, Commodore?” Lourdes asked, looking toward Spock.

“No. No. Not tonight. I’ll be in touch tomorrow. Have a good night. And thank you for taking care of him these last few days. You’ve been a godsend.”

“No thanks are needed. You’ve been great to my son. He thinks the world of you as his commanding officer.” She handed him Garrett’s little bag of stuff.

“He’s an excellent member of my crew. Good night.”

Jim turned toward Spock, holding onto his son, who held on to him tight. “Garrett. Can you say hi to Daddy’s friend, Spock?”

Garrett buried his face against Jim’s neck shyly. “Spock.”

“It is…a pleasure to meet you, Garrett.”

Jim pulled his son back to look in his face. “You want to go to dinner with Daddy and his friends?”

“Yeah!”

Jim laughed and then turned to Spock. “How about you? Want to go to dinner with us?”

Spock swallowed visibly. “Yes. I…would rather not be parted from you right now.”

“Well. Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Jim said, but he smiled. He felt hope for the first time in a long time. And it felt good. Great even. “That word. You just used. T’hy’la. You said it before. Well, three years ago. And…I think once before when…after Khan. What does it mean?”

Spock touched his fingers to the finger’s of Jim’s hand. Jim felt a little tingly through his hand. He knew it was a Vulcan kiss. His gaze met Spock’s.

“I hope to tell you one day soon,” Spock replied.

Jim searched those dark eyes, liking what he saw there. “They’ll bombard you with a million questions, you know.” He put his hand on the door.

“I know.” Spock nodded. “I am ready.”


End file.
